New Year Reflection and Resolution

New Year’s Day is a day to reflect on your last year and set intentions for the next. This last year has been an important one for me. 

This time last year I was physically unable to travel to NY for Holiday celebrations. I fought Kyle about staying home. I wanted to push through my brokenness in order to meet the expectations that I had placed upon myself. 

This time last year I was in bed for the entire winter break. I got up to eat, attempt to play with my daughter and would go back to sleep. 

My body had betrayed me. I was unable to read. I was unable to follow conversation. I was unable to think. I was in pain. My body was twitching and tingling and more....I was dealing with grief. “Pushing through” and “meeting others expectations” wasn’t working for me anymore. 

2017 became the year of self care. Plenty of women struggle with this. It feels selfish. It feels like there are others who need more. It isn’t. There aren’t.

Following dr instructions I completely changed my diet and started a medication/supplement treatment. Every thing that I ate was about healing. Sugar, yeast, and gluten became the enemy. Every temptation was over came by my desire to be a good mom. I would envision the sugar that I wanted in my gut feeding the parasites that had made my life so tedious. 

I have tried every single thing that could MAYBE make me a LiTTLE better. Essential oils, salt lamps, detox baths, lemon/ginger water, collagen, turmeric, ACV, stevia, meditation, kombucha, naps, naps and more naps. Some of these worked better than others (I’m looking at you salt lamp).

I fell in love with yoga. At first I was grateful for dark lights to hide my twitching muscles. To hide my inability to do any of the practices. There was a “she who shall not be named” Dr who told me that I would never heal if I didn’t BELIEVE... (because clearly my medical issues are psychological) Multiple yoga classes Ended with tears streaming down my face as I just was trying to BELIEVE MORE.... as I mourned the life that I had....

I said no to more invites this year than ever before. I have friends who do not understanding the battle I have been fighting. Friends who got bored with me and my Chronic Lyme Drama. Friends who find it easier to pretend that I am being dramatic than to see my reality. And I have gotten to the point where I am ok with that. 

I am learning to be more present. I am learning to enjoy my moments instead of worrying about the past or the present. To be grateful for what I have instead of mourning what I have lost. 

I can’t look at a moment in the last year and point out when I started getting better. There was no giant turning point. Good days were usually followed by bad days. Slowly I learned how to deal with the bad days, how to identify when I was pushing myself too hard, what I could do to manage the pain and exhaustion. Slowly my brain began to heal. Slowly my body began to become my own again. 

Today I am a different woman than I was a year ago. I’ve lost 25 pounds. I can make it through a yoga class. I can read and work and Mom and multitask (though now I question if this actually is something I want to be able to do). In the last 2 months I have traveled to Phoenix, taken the lead in a small family crisis, hosted Thanksgiving, threw a party, survived two weeks of book fair, made Christmas memories with my kiddos and TRAVELED TO NY FOR CHRISTMAS CELEBRATIONs. 

And you know what? I’m tired. But the normal tired that you are supposed to be after two crazy busy months. 

So for my news resolution I again decide to commit to self care. In the hustle of the last few months I’ve gotten lackadaisical about some habits I need in my life. I’m no good to my husband and my daughter and my family and my students and my coworkers if I am not healthy. I still haven’t heard the “R” word... I still have progress to make... there is still a healthier version of me to find.  

But I am so very grateful.

Bring it 2018 ❤️.